Once arriving home the pain seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I very quickly become less and less mobile and the pain became sharper and stronger. Last night I barely slept, spending the entire time on floor with my feet in the air. This morning, I could not stand on my own two feet and was not able to make it to work.....
I do not say these things so you can have pity on me, I am writing about this because it brings me back to my time in college.
It was spring semester freshman year when my back decided to give out on me. There was no real explanation as to why it gave out, all I know is that I spent three days in bed. Right before this time, I had been battling with my purpose in being in school. I wanted to drop out and pursue something that I was actually going to enjoy versus seeking out bible degree. I felt lost and miss lead and the back pain was the cherry on top, I just wanted to give up.. It brought me to a place of mental, physical and spiritual struggle. My prayers were full of tears and frustrated questions. I could not understand what was happening...
In the mist of my suffering something happened......I am not sure when it happened but as I laid there facing the ceiling God began to change my heart. He reminded me of the things that are most important in life, he reminded me of the purpose he has in my life, he reminded me how I am uniquely made, he reminded me that I was perfect in his eyes, he reminded that he has not deserted me, he reminded me how much he loved me, he reminded me that he wanted me to spend this time getting to know him.
He reminded me that sometimes I get too caught up in my own world and I forget about my relationship with him, therefore he has to grab my attention. Like a parent watching their child run around aimlessly God was watching me run around in life without any direction. Because I refused to adhere to God's voice he had to sit me down.....more like lay me down. It took me three days to understad what he was doing. He was simply asking me to love him whole heartedly again as he loves me unconditionally. And Secondly to love others as I would myself.
I can't imagine how many of us fall under the same temptation to run around aimlessly in life. How many times does God have to physically sit us down, whether that is through suffering or not, just so that he can get our attention again. All he wants is for us to keep him number one if life, but we consistently make the more tangible things in life our main focus. I can't imagine how it breaks his heart to watch us wonder, when all we have to do is trust him.....
Even as I lay here writing this post, God has reminded me again, what are the things I need to focus on. God takes what is full of pain and hurt and turns it into an act of his love and kindness. He cares so much, like a father, he has to discipline me in order that I may remain in him.
"if I do not hunger I do not eat, if I do not thirst I will never drink, if I never grow weary I never rest, if I do not hurt then I will never heal; so why do I divorce suffering from blessing? When in fact in my suffering I find God's blessing and it is in my doing well that I truly suffer from seeing God's blessing."
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